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The manager approached me tentatively and it was as if the words that she uttered just burst out of her mouth. "Can I have a one to one with you?" That was it - she didn't say when or for what reason. I suggested some dates to her and invited her to get back to me. She looked scared. I know I can have my off days but this reaction was out of the ordinary! I included this request for a planned one to one in my summary to the Board detailing what consultancy I had in place for them for the coming month. "That is a breakthrough" they said without any further explanation.

Two weeks later I met with this lady (let's call her Janet) and she was clearly very shaky. She started by saying that she didn't know how she came to suggest our meeting - that the words just popped out of her mouth. Now I have had some interesting ways of work developing but the requests don't usually just pop out of people's mouths! Janet explained that she had been for counselling/coaching before and she was now very wary of what might happen in our session. I asked what her experience had been that led to this reaction. She gave me some background first and she told me that she had been offered a significant promotion in her company and that she knew that she was respected and that she achieved excellent results in the work that she did. However she also explained that she was more lacking in confidence than she ever had been in her life although a state of low confidence was a usual one for her. Her hands were trembling as she told me this. She explained her reaction to coaching. The first of two people that she had seen had probed for an incident in the past that had triggered this lack of confidence and that this counsellor had latched on to a remark that her father had made years before. Janet looked unconvinced that this was the key to her emotional state. However she explained that she had 'gone along' with the counsellor who had tried several techniques to help her to revisit this moment to explore what might be there. She got more and more upset as she explained this. I intervened and said that NLP based approaches were somewhat different in that they tended to concentrate on the present and how we made sense of our experience in the present. She replied that both the people from whom she had sought help had been NLP trained! The result of her experience with both was that she had decided until this most recent request, never to go to another NLP counsellor again. I was saddened by this news. Now I am sure that there have been people that I have put off by my approach to coaching and training over the years so I include myself in the category of professionals who have a lot to learn about how to use NLP in ways that encourage people to build confidence rather than lose it.

What specifically had led to this outcome? There were many clues in the language that Janet used to explain what had happened. She had also revealed that one of the most dominant drivers that she had in her life was her family's expectation of her. She felt that just about everything that she did and achieved, she did for them, to please her father especially. Now both counsellors were very well intentioned I have no doubt, but one thing that became clear was that both had used several techniques to try to resolve Janet's issues. Janet had felt an expectation to reach an insight or a solution with these techniques and felt that she had disappointed the counsellors when she apparently did not. She said also that one of these counsellors had given up after two sessions saying that they could not think of anything else to try so she might as well not make any further appointments.

Now I would like to offer some words of advice especially to newly qualified practitioners and I use these words to remind myself of the pitfalls that we can all so easily fall into. I have aimed to pioneer the use of NLP in business and have come to the following conclusions especially when working one to one with clients.

Guidelines for using NLP for one to ones in business

It is who we are with clients and not what we do that makes the biggest difference in my view. Techniques on their own do not do it.

• Ask yourself or your client what it is that they are seeking in the way that they describe their issue. In the case of Janet I believe it is acceptance for who she is as opposed to what she does. In the case of another client that I met recently it was to be loved unconditionally. I find that most people seek something akin to this - what varies is the vocabulary with which they describe it.

• Ask yourself how is this true for you too? We attract people with similar patterns and needs to those that we have within ourselves. We recognise them because we have the structure for them in our lives. The effect of asking this question is that we connect with others at a very deep level. We associate ourselves with them rather than viewing them as someone on whom we might use a technique in a dissociated way.

• Consider how you are going to coach yourself to find the answer for you. We can only offer support to people on issues for which we have found a personal resolution. (A good reason to commit to continuous personal transformation for ourselves as our responsibility as coaches/counsellors)

• Ask yourself how you might give your client what it is that they are missing in their lives, in the way in which you are with them. In Janet's case - the question was how might I accept Janet for who she is and not for what she does. (You can see here why an expectation to perform an NLP technique is completely out of place) This is living out the belief that we do have all the resources that we ever need and how we communicate that to everyone else. In this way we build clients independence of us and increase their reliance on themselves and subsequently their self-esteem.

• Explore how you might give the closure of the coaching to your client or to someone who is key to them. In my recent work with another client I realised that the closure belonged to him and his wife and not to the time that I had with him. (There was a time when I would have thought that I was not fulfilling my role by not reaching closure with a client). In this way we make ourselves redundant and build our clients belief that they do have all the resources that they will ever need.

Forgive me if these guidelines are simple ones but I find that it is the simplicity that is 'the difference that makes the difference' much more than it is the complexity. It is who we are more than what we do that supports the people with whom we work and our selflessness that helps others to find their sense of self. And what I have said leaves me with a question. I have advised against the exclusive use of techniques but after all what have I offered, if not a technique? Perhaps it is the fact that it is a self including one, one that assumes that it is we who are being coached as much if not more than our clients.

And a short story to conclude:

If you have read my column before you may have noticed my references to cycling. My husband and I cycle frequently and I am entering a veterans time trial this year. It is one sport in which I can say that I excel for my age. On holiday this year we invited my eldest son who was with us for a week to join us on our morning cycling route. We had hired a bike locally for him. The area where we cycle in France is extremely hilly and I had imagined that my son, who is an avid ruby player and has the physique that goes with the sport, might struggle on the hills. The bike that we had hired for him (which was the only racer in his size) was a bit rusty and there was a significant wheel wobble at speed on the front wheel. We promised to go slowly and to cut our route short if need be. We took it gradually down the first descent and I was feeling a bit smug to be able to lead my son in this sport, when he asked me if we normally went faster than this. Yes I replied, showing off in what I considered to be my prowess. "Oh OK" he said and promptly shot off at top speed up the hills leaving us trailing in his wake! I live and learn especially when I am arrogant enough to believe that I am the one who is leading.