"We pardon as long as
we love"
Duc Le
Rochefoucauld.
I have been working with an aircraft
components manufacturing company who wanted to develop and
strengthen their family culture and to create a culture of
continuous learning. I have worked with the Board and all
the senior managers in the business and if there was one
skill that has become more significant than all the rest in
achieving their aims it is their ability to give and receive
feedback. They champion this skill at Board level and it has
rippled all the way through the business. I have sought to
be an example at all times of someone who is able to give
feedback in a way that stimulates learning and of someone
who is able to take feedback no matter how it is given and
no matter who is the giver. By and large I would say that I
have achieved this but just last week I got a piece of
feedback that I found myself wanting to reject and I was
reminded just how sophisticated a skill it is to be able to
give and receive feedback freely. So although I have written
about feedback before (in the context of how Frank Farrelly
- master of Provocative Therapy gives feedback) I want to
revisit this as not only is it key to business generally but
NLP offers us ways of developing our skills in this whole
area.
What it helps to believe
To give and receive feedback in a way
that stimulates learning it helps to believe that:
Everyone's perception is a
truth for them and if we accept their feedback we help them
to build their self-esteem as a person and we accept them.
If we do not accept their 'truth' we do not accept the part
of themselves that they are offering at that moment in time
and therefore we do not fully accept them.
That ultimately the most alive place
to be in that place where we are willing and able to feel
all emotions and embrace them all as a source of strength,
learning and growth.
That to fully accept and give feedback
we need to be able to open both our head and our hearts to
what is being offered.
That what we recognise in others we
can only recognise because we have the structure of what we
recognise within ourselves and therefore have the same
capabilities as the person with whom we are engaging. For
example I was recently feeling frustrated at the amount of
time that my mother said she would need to prepare to come
to visit us for Christmas. Three weeks in which to organise
a trip to the hairdressers and a visit to the post office
seemed extraordinarily long until I realised that I was
frustrated with my own lack of speed to make a decision
about dates for my work that was being asked of me by my
business manager.
The nature of the world in which we
live is such that we can no longer wait for the more
traditional methods of learning. We must develop our ability
to put out ideas and thoughts partly formed and develop them
real time in the light of feedback received or triggered by
that process. To survive today we are more dependent than
ever on feedback loops and our ability to learn from
them.
I would go so far as to say that if
you can't easily receive feedback and give it then you are
going to have a tougher time in business than is necessary.
But if you can give and receive then you have fundamental
skills needed to thrive in the high change high tech
environment in which we live.
Receiving feedback
And I deliberately put the receiving
first as I believe that we only have the right to give
feedback if indeed we can receive it. So how can we do
this?
If the feedback is
anticipated then get yourself into rapport with the
potential giver. Do this in practice or even just in your
thinking so that you know that within yourself you have the
relationship with the other person to connect with what they
are saying whatever they feel about the relationship between
you.
Always anticipate feedback and
therefore always seek to be in rapport with everyone you
know!
Remind yourself continually of the
above presuppositions and if there are any that you find
particularly challenging then keep those in your mind as a
priority.
Create and use an anchor for the state
in which you can most effectively receive feedback.
Open your head and your heart to the
feedback and to the giver. Remember that accepting this
feedback is a life source to your success in business and
indeed in life today. If you want your relationships to
flourish this is a skill to hone.
Be prepared to be vulnerable and know
that that is ultimately a sign of strength.
Be prepared to be humble, put pride
aside and be willing to apologise for any effect that you
have had on anyone that has been adverse in any way by their
perception.
Recognise that the only person who has
control of the ability to build 100% rapport at any time is
you.
If it is complex feedback that relates
to others as well as yourself be prepared to unpack it so
that you can respond to the part of it that is yours.
Find a source of inner strength and
anchor that and use it
Recognise how by accepting what others
perceive to be your gifts you are growing yourself and
finding your unique vocation in life and encouraging others
to do the same.
Be curious about the feedback - ask
questions to find out what it is that you do that creates
the perception that you are getting.
Imagine your improved performance
having taken the feedback on board in a way that fits both
for you and for others in your life.
Thank the giver for feedback and
explain what you commit to doing with it
Do not defend, rationalise, explain,
justify, disagree, say 'that is right' attack or shrug it
off.
Embrace it
Learn to forgive
Giving feedback
Only, only when you know that you have
the skill to receive feedback should you allow yourself to
give it to anyone. And even then be sure that you have
permission to do so. If you are not sure - ask!
Learn to forgive
Be in rapport with whoever you want to
give feedback to and if you are not then don't bother giving
it.
Run the feedback that you are going to
give through yourself first of all so that you know how it
applies to you as much as it applies to the other
person.
Imagine how by accepting the feedback
that both you and the other receiver of the feedback can
improve the way that you are and the way that you
work.
If the other person does not
immediately accept the feedback find another way to give it
unless they take away their permission for you to give
it.
Maintain direct eye contact and
imagine them receiving and using the feedback as you say
it
Put any self consciousness aside as it
is an indulgence
Frame the feedback first to say how
the feedback has come about or what area of performance it
relates to so that you warm your listener up to what is
coming next.
Check that it has been understood and
if you don't get a reaction to it ask for one so that you
get feedback on the feedback!
You may have heard of the feedback or
the criticism sandwich (praise then criticise then praise).
Forget it - if you truly believe that feedback is a life
source you will present all feedback as constructive. Give
it as it comes.
Recognise that the response that you
get from others is the part of them that you are choosing to
engage with. If I find you stupid it is because I am
choosing to engage with the stupid part of who you are from
the stupid part of myself. If I find you engaging then that
is what I have chosen to find and engage with you and that
is because I am engaged with and accept that part of
myself.
Be an example at all times of what you
want others to be.
Ask the receiver of the feedback to
tell you what they are going to do with the feedback.
Sometimes it helps to know this before you give it i.e. if I
give you this feedback what will you do with it (useful if
you know that someone has a habit of shrugging it off or
other avoidance strategies)
Always be in a position to give
feedback and to answer a direct question - e.g. 'what
feedback do you have for me?' I am often asked this by
leaders in business who are often starved of honest and
frank feedback. I have learned over the years that this an
opportunity not to be missed and playing for time is to miss
the opportunity.
There is lots more but I rather think
that I have reached my word count! Maybe more in a future
article. And how about sending me some feedback about this
article and any other of mine that you have read? You can
find out if I am the example of what I believe! And you can
let me know.
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