By Sue Knight
In the last but one edition of Rapport I wrote an article on feedback in which I received more than the usual amount of feedback in return. This is great as it has triggered more learning and choices for me personally and also I hope for the people who contacted me. Consequently I decided to write a further article on the subject. In this article I also draw on some of the work on feedback done by Brian Wood, as part of his Master Practitioner modelling project he did with us a few years ago. One of his models at that time was Brian Keenan who was a guest to our programme and brought immense inspiration to every one of us, with his presence and his thoughts - not only about feedback - but also about leadership, self management, change, humanity and life. The quotes by Brian Keenan in this article are ones noted by Brian Wood in his project.
'Man is part of a chain of connecting humanity within a greater universe. Feedback is a behavioural manifestation of beliefs and values about the importance of interconnectedness between people. By practising and developing feedback I nurture and develop the connections between us and release myself to become who I truly am. "I" becomes "we/us". By connecting with you, I release myself from my own internal prison.' - Brian Keenan
One of the people who contacted me having read my last article had found it very hard to accept some feedback she had been given by a member of her family. I have also found that some of the most challenging feedback has been given to me by people close to me emotionally. I believe our ability to accept feedback from those close to us allows us to become even closer: for the relationship to shift to a higher, more intimate level. We may not need to actually do anything with the feedback but if we want the giver to know that we value them for who they are then it is vital to allow the feedback in and for it to permeate every part of our being.
'Feedback isn't absolute truth: it's truth for the person delivering it' - Gene Early
When we accept the feedback that someone offers us we accept the truth of who they are. Brian Wood proposes we respond to the feedback in a way that presupposes acceptance, e.g:
- talk about another example of what the feedback has highlighted but in another context (this also presupposes that all feedback has parallels in other contexts and that by accepting the feedback you will find these parallels),
- ask questions that pre-suppose acceptance
e.g. how many times have I done that? In what situations have I
done that? And if you want to increase the connectedness between
yourself and the giver of the feedback you might ask - how did you
feel when I did that?
At this point total acceptance of who you truly are in the relationship to this other person comes from second positioning them (putting yourself in their shoes to experience their feelings as they respond to you).
-
'Actively set aside judgement of the
feedback being delivered. Allow it to flow into you without
passing through internal filters. Actively switch from internal
(screening/judging) reference to external. Just do it. Pretend
you can. Just allow it in'. - Gene Early
What if the feedback is too painful in that moment?
Drive C is full: you need to delete files to create space for new programmes.
This message popped up on my laptop just about the time when I was struggling to hear some feedback from someone close to me. At the time they wanted to give it, I was preparing for a conference, I was feeling somewhat vulnerable and I sensed that the feedback was going to take us into areas that we classed as 'minefields' for both of us. My goal always is to move increasingly to a place where I can accept such feedback, whenever, wherever, however it is given. However, this for me, was not one of those times, so a strategy I have developed is to agree a contract for the delivery of the feedback. This might include any of the following:
- that we chunk the feedback down into small chunks and take it one chunk at a time, over time,
- agree how the feedback will be given - maybe the kinds of words used that avoids any real 'red rag' words,
- agree how we will process the feedback - one of my clients, suggested dealing with the feedback (initially) in a dissociated state - arranging the elements of the situation as objects on the table in front of us and discussing what each element (or person) symbolised to us before deciding how we might re-position the elements as the basis for progress into the future.
A powerful thought is that when we accept feedback fully we make that information available to the giver of the feedback too. Our full acceptance of feedback releases the emotions attached to the feedback for the giver. We learn together.
'When we participate in another person's suffering, we in part, heal ourselves' - Brian Keenan
Some final thoughts on ways to get feedback. One of my colleagues and friends recently reminded me of the value of Johari's Window:
Quadrant 1
Represents my public face - what I know about myself and you know about me. This is the public domain and the more I increase the size of this domain the more 'I get a glimpse of the true self that I might not otherwise know' - Hilary AltonQuadrant 2
Represents what I don't know about me but you do. Here is where my ability to invite and receive feedback plays a part. The more I develop these skills the more I increase what I can know about me; by listening to what you have to offer me.Quadrant 3
Is the mask I wear. Here is what I know about me but you don't. I can if I choose to, increase quadrant 3 by my willingness to be vulnerable. I can either show my vulnerabilities publicly or put myself at risk by stretching and testing myself in areas where I have previously not ventured.Quadrant 4
Is my blind spot. Here is what I don't know (consciously) about me and you don't know about me. Here our willingness to work with our unconscious comes to the fore. This might include:work with dream
work with part
timeline work
guided visualisation
By doing this we can increasingly make our unconscious, conscious and so, over time, we have the portion that is our public domain increasing and we increasingly integrate and align all parts of ourselves.
Maybe then, we can give ourselves permission to offer feedback to others.
Hilary Alton
Delegate on The Sue Knight Partnership Practitioner programme
Gene Early
International business consultant and one of the original founders of
first NLP training schools in UK
Brian Keenan
Author of An Evil Cradling
Brian Wood
Chief Executive of Winchester White Management Consultant
All material published on this website is copyright Sue Knight unless otherwise stated. Unauthorised copying of any material is forbidden.