David Fraser
My experience on the course
Hard to do justice to the experience….
The whole thing was just massive. The combination of your (Sue’s) programme itself, Spence’s cooking and all-round support, the strength and interaction of the group, the socialising (and NLPing) around the programme and the contributions of the wider ‘team’ such as David and Elaine and Jane and John added up to an unforgettable experience. One of the top five of my lifetime, I reckon.
It’s a measure of just how powerful the programme and the interactions within the group were that reconnecting with ‘normal’ life has been quite a process. Transitioning is a familiar experience, but it’s been a particularly big thing this time. I think you maybe need to hand out parachutes for the return to earth! Monday morning after in my office seemed a bleak place without the group around.
I realized that Monday afternoon that I wasn’t really ready to re-engage with my work despite being physically present. I’ve been very aware of wanting to stay at the identity and purpose level and not disappear into ‘the thick of thin things’ as Earl Nightingale put it and instead sort out what I want to be and do at the higher level.
This was the first time I’d been on what could be called a retreat for as long as a week and it was only towards the end of the week that I realized just how much I needed it. On the Thursday morning, you may recall, I mentioned a feeling of calm sadness. Afterwards, I realized that some of that was down to lamenting the programme beginning to draw to a close and the rest was to do with grieving for the general passing of life (but see also below about sadness). As soon as I’d identified these causes, I moved on to peacefulness and that was just fine actually. Peacefulness suited me as an end state.
My learnings on the course
Lots – some specifics:
Honouring the ‘can do anything’ legacy from my parents.
Making the most of our time together – on a programme, in this life etc. – ‘leaving a legacy’.
An ability to focus on the key issue / core attractor and avoid distractions (feedback from Martin). Ability to be interested and with good eye contact (Andy and yourself). Talking about work and family in a rounded/integrated way (Carol). Ruthlessness, in a good way (Eleni).
Making whatever writing that I do come from within me rather than placing it ‘out there’ and talking about it accordingly. (I would like to have the time to focus on that properly.)
The extra power/contrast that potentially comes from an engineer (or manager/director) working from their truth and in this space (and accepting the fear that may come with that).
As a development task, working on a means of conveying the meta-model in an engaging way e.g. to a corporate group. In the last ten years or so, I’ve deliberately blurred my logical/analytical side which used to be very strong, having had feedback that it wasn’t appropriate a lot of the time. A better solution lies in connecting properly and adding ‘colour’/feeling alongside the precision and structure that I used to do so well.
Connecting with people quickly and directly (and avoiding scaring them in so doing). As you said, I ‘may only get 5 minutes’.
Shifting a little from externally referenced to internally referenced.
Getting into the habit of finishing my sentences (which has been an issue for many years) even when I feel a bit hesitant. I can work on that at the level of behaviour, but the answer probably partly lies in being connected, focussing on the group, having resources for confidence and possibly even physical exercise of some sort.
Not for the first time, the remarkable benefits of Tai Chi (mental note to invest in learning some more).
Safety and connection in vulnerability.
Cherishing my wife and family.
Putting aside my limiting beliefs about NLP and the corporate world being different things. Think I’ve got that now.
Working on the inside rather than or as well as ‘out there’.
Planning for success and being ready to ride the wave and keep the connection going.
One of the totally unexpected outcomes of the course for me is that I have decided to learn Tam O’Shanter (Burns) as it is a great performance piece and the week in France emphasized to me even more than I already knew, the value of ‘party pieces’ – jokes, stories, songs and poems – as a means of connecting with people and, also a way of practicing being comfortable at the centre of attention, which I tend to shy away from. To clarify what I mean, going to extremes would be getting involved in amateur dramatics, as a stretch. I would like to be able to sing adequately for the social setting – maybe I can. I have a limiting belief to bust about this. We’ll see.
The forming of the group as a network is also a great thing to be part of. (I have experienced this before with the network of Stuart’s students so it’s great to have more of that.)
Overall, I felt I participated strongly in the early part of the week and was well able to create a group experience, having learned from Stuart, but slightly lost focus in the middle part when I think I was working on finding myself rather than delivering ‘a session’. I allowed my outcome to get a bit muddled at that point perhaps.
Perhaps a learning that occurs to me now is the aim of working from my ‘truth’ without disappearing into my ‘stuff’.
I was reminded again of the ‘scary’ effect I sometimes have on people. I’ve had this feedback before but obviously not resolved it up till now. I also some years ago had feedback (in a directorship role) that I wasn’t demanding enough, although I do recognise that’s a slightly different point and not necessarily a contradictory remark. I believe some of this to be linked to the shyness issue I mentioned above. Sorting out this scary/shyness thing is very important to me and I felt a bit troubled about it in France, especially as I felt it affected my interaction with you a bit – we had a bit of a mutual scariness thing going on, which I didn’t anticipate. However, the sadness was probably signposting that I had learned something important. I think my experience is that my shifts tend to be accompanied by feelings of sadness, more than anything else. The issue now is to deal with it, of course.
Last night I was reading some notes from a talk I was at recently by William Ury, the international mediator and author of various books including Getting to Yes, The Third Side and the Power of a Positive No, and he mentions the cycle Denial-Anxiety-Anger-Sadness-Acceptance and I realised for the first time that this cycle applies to some extent (for me anyway) to ‘shifts’ arising through NLP work. In other words, sadness is a sign of progress. He also talked about the question ‘how do you use the power that you have?’ ‘Experienced negotiators use the power that they have sparingly.’ Hmmm.
One thing I am working on is understanding how best to use my range in the different roles I have. Skills and behaviours that are effective as a director or manager can be quite inappropriate and even problematic in a consultative or especially a training role and vice versa. (One-to-one situations seem to be less of an issue because it’s easier to match.) I haven’t yet mastered the flexibility of when and when not to use certain approaches. (Also, what suits West of Scotland and/or engineering organisations doesn’t necessarily work elsewhere.) (I also sometimes get feedback from people (not NLPers) that they find me ‘deep’, which they seem to find unsettling, and I don’t really know how to take that. Should I hide it? But then I won’t be at my truth?)
I was also reminded about the importance of rapport and realised I had become a little bit slack about actively working on it.
Towards the end of the week I reflected on overcoming the shyness as being an important issue for me. Nothing new there, but I hadn’t thought about it like that for while. Perhaps Eleni wasn’t the only one coming from a slightly different culture. Your programme was my first real experience in an NLP context of noticing patterns of my own that align with the community in which I live and work but which stand out a bit against people from a different country or region. I now understand that that’s one of the benefits of international programmes.
I’ve shifted at least as much in the time since the programme as during the programme itself. Still unpacking.
The place
Super as a venue for a group of this size. Plenty of space. Peaceful. Kitchen cabaret included. Miles better than a hotel somewhere – not even a relevant comparison.
The atmosphere of the area reminded me of the place we have in Perthshire where I’ve written some of this - similar calming effect of a mellow, rural location.
Our Organisation
Excellent. All the practical side was just seamless and perhaps easy to take for granted.
The only thing I would say is that the experience is so powerful that transitioning back to home and family is a big deal – it was for me anyway - and anything that could be done to support this would be worthwhile. I’m not sure what, and the particulars are different for everybody, of course, but maybe a short session towards the end of the programme focussed on this aspect, slightly more explicitly alongside development plans perhaps. We could self-organise this of course, but a little nudge might make all the difference. (We did a little bit in our provocative session.)
Some of the group had arranged to go on holiday after the week and I realise now that this is a good idea, commitments permitting. Again, possibly a hint in that direction would be helpful. I might as well have been on holiday the week after the course for all the use I was at work. I’ve been resisting just plunging into all the actions and task-level stuff i.e. stepping back onto the treadmill.
(I remember you did suggest bringing the family to France as well.)
Sue
Excellent. A tremendous model of leading and facilitating growth, with the apparent ease and economy of mastery and great experience (and eyebrows!). Unsurpassed, in my opinion.
The only comment I have, and it’s mostly a learning for me, is that part way through I felt I slightly lost sight of what I was aiming for and what you were looking for, although I think I figured it out by the end, by which time it was a bit late perhaps. You probably said at some point, but I can’t have fully taken it in. With such an open frame for the programme, keeping one’s own i.e. participant’s outcome in mind, reviewing it as necessary, seems especially important and perhaps a gentle reminder of that would be helpful. My impression is your style is to say things once (generally) and I find myself later not recalling all of what you said, even though my attention at the time was good. I struggled to live up to my own expectation of remembering what you said, at the conscious level anyway. Maybe I’m giving too much importance to this.
The story creating and telling exercise was particularly powerful for me, as it was not something I had done before and I hadn’t realised the possibilities and also the ‘one-person-in-the-room-ness’ of it. I also found it surprisingly difficult. (Engineers are brought up to do the exact opposite of making things indirect, of course.) It was bizarre that Tess got me to do (I had a sense of there being something else going on, as you mentioned on the last day). She and I are well-connected now, but at the time she had a block about the story as you will remember. I found managing my own reactions to that an interesting experience – avoiding feeling disempowered by not receiving the gift of a story, because I suspected it was me she got to do. In the main, I chose to feel that I was strong enough to manage without, but… – bit of a pattern for me, maybe. There were lots of layers in that whole episode, some I think partly involving back-story detail.
Colin
Excellent – a massive contribution, adding a whole extra dimension with all the richness that brings. Perhaps the gender balance that results is helpful in the group as a whole – an extra point of connection. Also a major contributor to the all-important light relief and a great model of making a potentially dry subject (maths in this case) fun.
Where I stayed
No.7 was good for comfort. Susie has a manner that is recognisable from British B&B experience – a bit of the disciplinarian (‘spot it / got it’ for me of course). Her food is OK but not in the same class as Elaine’s or especially Jane’s and I would have preferred the option of a cereal-based breakfast, although I never asked for one.
However, Martin, Eleni and I got on very well at No. 7 and had some great conversations there.
David and Elaine were a model of hospitality.
Staying at No.7 and visiting La Porte Rouge for meals and drinks possibly gave the best of both.
It was good to be in Verteillac itself and able to participate conveniently in the social biz.
The walks back at the end of the day were great for unwinding, getting to know others in the group a bit more and talking things over. There was more than a little NLP done on those roads.